Reader Questions - Why do I treat him that way?

What up readers,

I haven’t brought up any discussions in a while, so today I decided to go through my inbox and read some of the questions sent to me.  I came across this particular question that really got me thinking and I wanted to see what your thoughts on the topic were.

Ledi Hernandez from Miami asked;

Why do I treat my new, much better man, worse than I did the dude that cheated on me?

I look at this question first with very logical eye, and then I took a step back and really got into the meat of what she was asking.  I then asked myself have I ever done that…… sadly, yes.  Not on purpose, but subconsciously.  I decided to answer this from a man perspective vs. a woman.  Seeing as I can’t genetically answer this as a woman. J

Scenario 1; A man goes through a crappy relationship where he was basically “used” beyond reason by a woman.  He was the nice guy, paid for dates, opened doors, and even held hands, all the stuff you would think a woman would want, yet still found the short end of the stick.  That man then finds new woman who has never done anything wrong to him, nor has any intentions of doing so, and this same man who spoiled a “rat” won’t even take out the trash for this unsuspecting victim of circumstance.  Where is the disconnect?

It happens when the mind is so turned off, hell bent and set in its ways on not being that “victim” again, that they will totally drop the qualities that make them a “good” man or woman in the first place.  This is where the problem starts.  Why would you abandon the qualities that make you a catch, because the person you got rid of or, were left by was less than what you expected?  How is that fair to the next person to have to get this “half-ass” version of you, when a total d-bag/rat got the best of you? It’s NOT!

I like to look at my own relationships and reference them because they are good examples for me.  I dated a woman that was used, physically, mentally, and financially by a guy who by normal man standards was a bum.  She gave this dude a LOT of herself, with minimal in return, yet stayed in the situation for whatever reason she felt valid.  Fed him, clothed, him, probably even gassed his ride and in the end, they broke up and here I come along. 

In most cases, I’m far from what you would call a “nice guy”; a gentleman at all times, but not a “nice guy”.  Things that come naturally to men like me are unheard of by this last clown-act, and even with the best of etiquette schools, this guy would not measure up.  This woman was so cautious with me that it took a toll on our relationship very quickly.  Getting a grilled cheese sandwich out of her was like asking for money.  And there I found myself asking, where is the disconnect?

Needless to say, she was replaced with a much more appreciative woman, but I had to ask myself, was it me? Did I lack a talent the last guy did, or was she just so mentally damaged by the last dude that she was incapable change?

There are two halves to our minds, the conscious half, and the subconscious half, and each are VERY different!  Our conscious side says “This guy is nothing like my last dude!” Enthusiastically!  And the subconscious side says “Show no emotion so we don’t get hurt again!” Remorsefully.  Wonder who is going to win that fight…….? Your right, you’re subconscious!  Just like your body has its defenses against physical wounds and injuries, your subconscious mind has its defenses against emotional shocks and wounds. These are called ego defense mechanisms or unconscious defense mechanisms.  The ego defense mechanisms' main function is to protect your well-being and to help you overcome emotional shocks.  But it is also very blind, not always seeing what’s best for the person it embodies.

Using your conscious and subconscious mind together:

As you can see, the conscious and the subconscious parts of the mind form a team. The first handles some tasks then assigns them to the second, the second after that sends feedback and messages about the task done in the form of emotions to the first.  Emotions are no more than messages sent by your subconscious mind in order to alert you of something.  By learning how to make the best use of the cooperation between your conscious and subconscious mind, your life skills will improve and you will have much more control over your emotions and life situations.

Don’t let your subconscious accidentally protect you from a good thing……Hope this helps.

B.Caldwell – 10.26.10

"That's DOPE"

Reader Questions - Why do I treat him that way?