“We practically live together now,” she comments, “Why don’t we just move in together?”
Shudder.
The smartest thing to do at that moment is to sit her down and express your honest opinion on the idea: You are in no way mentally ready to live with a woman. Hell, you disgust yourself sometimes with the things you do in private. The sounds, the smells, the fact that you shave your entire body over the toilet with the same electric razor you use to trim your face. You would be mortified if another human being caught you in the act -- especially the woman you want to have sex with again. One look at you hovering over the bowl and she’ll reconsider this whole relationship, you baboon.
Instead of sitting your partner down and explaining that you eventually want to live together, but right now you aren’t ready, you choose to take the much more difficult route: You tell her you will think about it, change the subject and run out for beer to never return.
You’re a pussy for not being honest, but if you’re going to lie, at least give valid reasons as to why you feel that living together isn’t a good idea.
Your first place together should be “ours”
When one person moves into the home of another, no matter how much they try to make the place feel like home, it still feels like it belongs to the other. Tell her you don’t want her to feel like a boarder or like she's just paying part of the rent and vice versa. Explain that if you did move in together, it would mean one of you would have to part with their belongings. Remind her how much money she spent on that hideous couch or the portrait she painted in college that she adores but you think looks like a hobo painted in ketchup stains. All of that would probably find a new home in storage or on the curb -- probably the curb.Tell her you want to choose a place to live together. Half the fun is looking at the real estate section together and imaging your life in a new place: You want to move in at the same time and pick out furniture and accessories as a couple; you want the place to be a joint effort -- a place that belongs to you both. Ketchup hobo not included.
It’s better having two locations
Explain all the benefits of having two places to crash: Her place is near cool restaurants, awesome bars and that comic book store that lets you read all day without buying a thing. Your place is closer to friends, parents and work. With multiple locations you both have more space to store all the crap that accumulates in a lifetime. It’s like having a summer and winter home, except for the small fact that the weather is the same at both places.Another benefit of two home bases is that the same surroundings tend to make a relationship boring: always sitting in the same spots on the couch, eating dinner at the same table and having sex on the same counter top makes life seem like a rerun. Separate quarters keep the spice in the relationship and leaves open the option of sleepovers, occasional drop-ins and the impromptu role play. Who is at the door? It’s the mailman, again. He has another package for me! Why does he always carry it in his pants? Cue porn music.
Your routines will clash
Men love routine. Wake up, scratch the junk, watch some SportsCenter over a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, do some damage to the porcelain throne, shave and shower, and then it's off to the daily grind. Then it’s a countdown until the evening routine that helps you unwind from the typically crappy day. Now, throw another person into the mix that wakes up at a different time, watches the Today Show, prefers Kashi, and spends hours in the bathroom every morning doing Lord knows what with more metal instruments than a plastic surgeon. Sure, it’s fine on the mornings of the occasional sleepover, but you need to prepare the right way or it throws the whole day off kilter.Explain to her that neither of you should have to give up the way you live your life just to save a couple of bucks a month on rent. She has her routine, you have yours, and right now they wouldn’t work well together. On those occasions she does sleep over, really drive home the point about how much the routine would clash by getting in her way at every moment. Dropping a deuce while she is in the shower should be more than enough proof. You can’t help it; the body has its own schedule!
It’s too early in your relationship
Sure it wasn’t too early to say "I love you" or to suggest sex in the "out" door, but living together is a huge step. It sends the relationship into super fast-forward just by sharing a mailing address. The next logical step would be engagement, then marriage, and you aren’t even ready to give up your beer signs and funny bathroom signs let alone start thinking of becoming man and wife. Explain to her that you don’t want to rush into living together because it could put added pressure on the relationship and ruin everything. You don’t want to mess up a good thing. This puts the relationship on a time line and doesn’t make it appear that you are just trying to hang on to your bachelor pad.Reasons not excuses
If you explain all the reasons clearly and concisely she will probably understand and agree. She will just want you to be the one to go outside and explain to the movers everything has to go back."That's DOPE"
